Apple Cares

A friend of mine recently posted complaints to her blog regarding what she described as "missing features" of the iPhone 3G. A short while later she received the following somewhat troubling response from Apple customer service via email. The contents of which are posted below. 

Hi, my name is John and I work for Apple. I discovered your blog posts and thought I might respond to a few of your concerns. 

Apple does not supply an Instant Messaging client as a native iPhone App. However, there are several available from the iTunes App store. I might suggest the AOL IM App. This App will indeed keep you logged in for a period of time once your iPhone 3G enters sleep mode. I believe it is at least one hour so that you will receive any messages sent during that period. The App also supports groups. And, it is free.

Regarding the lack of App switching. Apps are generally prohibited from running simultaneously for several reasons. The first of which is battery life. The second reason is RAM. In comparison to your previous phone, iPhone Apps and programs are significantly more processor and RAM intensive. So to prevent users from accidentally crashing their phones by having several large applications open at once- Apple has chosen to limit this functionality. 

To address another of your concerns regarding navigating on the iPhone 3G. There is a shortcut you may not be aware of that will make it much easier to navigate between multiple pages of Apps. You don't have to finger swipe "scroll" between screens on your iPhone 3G. Simply tap the screen bottom left or bottom right depending on which way you want to go. This may alleviate a bit of your perceived "frustration" in that area. 

Here at Apple we always strive to address the concerns of our customers and we consider feedback such as yours a valuable part of our process as we seek to update and enhance product functionality. Actually, if you believe that the rumors are true, many of your concerns may be addressed in our next generation iPhone and possibly via firmware update to iPhone 3G. But, shhh...you didn't hear that from us. 

However, don't kid yourself. We are Apple, and you are a young white liberal female. We own you. Our products are irresistibly captivating and cool. 

Furthermore, you need us so that you can feel cutting edge and look trendy in front of your tattooed and granola crunching new age hipster eco-geek friends. So again, while we value your feedback, we would strongly urge you to stop with your whining, shut up, and open your mouth so we can put it back in. There. That's better. 

Sincerely, 

Apple Customer Care

(In case you hadn't figured it out, this email is fictitious. However, it is based on true events. Namely, a prank that I pulled on a friend. With friends like me, who needs enemies. . .)

Copyright 2009 thinkword.blogspot.com All rights reserved.

An Apple A Day

In the year 2015 everything will start with i. So it is written -and so it shall be done. Just wait and see.

You'll be awakened by your iAlarm while sleeping comfortably in your iBed (perhaps by the voice of Steve Jobs saying, wake up, its time to start a new iDay.) At which point you will grudgingly get up and trudge into your iShower. In the meantime, your iCoffeemaker, in white, of course, unless you bought the iCoffemaker Pro, in which case it will be aluminum...brews your favorite cup of fair trade iCoffee, which is now available from the Apple store.

After putting on your iClothes, which inevitably will become outdated in twelve months and need to be purchased anew, you walk into the kitchen and peruse the contents of your shiny new iRefrigerator. Unfortunately, it doesn't hold much iFood from the iStore, because while having the same footprint as a regular fridge -it's only 0.76 inches thick. Uh-oh!

Although, you then remember that the cool thing about your fridge is that, even though it costs thousands of dollars and yet contains next to nothing. . .Ta-Dah! It will fit neatly into an inter-office mail envelope- well, a really big one anyway. Handy, as everyone carries around their refrigerator in an inter-office mail envelope; or now wants to, thanks to Apple.

Whew! Thank goodness too. For a moment there I was worried that I had burst your iBubble.

After breakfast you will hit the freeway in your fancy new iCar. Unlike a regular car, it requires no keys, and has no physical locks, levers, or door handles. Everything works by touch. The bad news is that should you attempt to modify your new iRide in any way- for example with a plain ol' window sticker or something harmless like that; your iWarranty, well it's out the iWindow. Not to worry though, because the local iStore sells plenty of accessories for iCars so that you can customize yours to most likely still be the same as everyone else's.

Hey don't feel bad. Remember? This is the year 2015, and everyone is in love with i. A perfect society created by Steve Jobs. In fact, every night people will gather in their homes and congregate around little shrines dedicated to Jobs and Apple. . .oh wait, actually those are just the docking stations for all of their little iGadgets.

Copyright 2009 thinkword.blogspot.com All rights reserved.